Smiling Ourselves to Death: The Hidden Dangers of Being Nice
I identify as a chronically nice person—- in recovery. I used to say “yes” and then think about the consequences. I used to make sure everyone was ok before I checked in with myself. I used to work myself to the bone making sure that my family was fed, rested and well before I kicked back on the couch and vegged.
And then I got back my blood test results from my routine annual labs— I have elevated thyroid antibodies and am prone to developing hashimotos. My naturopath has told me again and again to prioritize my sleep, health and nutrition, but it often slips to the wayside when I am juggling a full time private practice and homeschooling 3 kids with my partner.
I am a mental health therapist and a recovering people pleaser, and I know the data out there. If I don’t take steps to take care of my health and start prioritizing my wellness, my body will draw boundaries for me.
Gabor Mate, the author of “The Myth of Normal. Trauma, Healing and Wellness in a Toxic Culture,” says that people who push down and suppress anger, act out of a sense of duty and obligation, and try not to disappoint others are at a much higher risk of chronic illness. When we suppress our feelings, desires and anger, we increase stress hormones in the system and that creates systemic inflammation in the system, creating a ripe environment for illnesses to develop.
People who work all night, go above and beyond to serve others, do well in their professional and home life are greatly rewarded socially and financially, but we are killing ourselves in the process.
This is what Mate found to be typical personality features of people with chronic illnesses:
People pleasing tendencies- strong drive to prioritize other people needs above their own
Emotional suppression- difficulty expressing or recognizing one’s own emotions, leading to internal distress
Over responsibility and overextending- adopting other people’s problems as their own leading to burnout
Perfectionism- need to achieve high and harsh expectations due to a fear of failure or rejection
Avoidance of conflict- avoiding hard conversations, ignoring and not addressing ruptures in trust
Hyper independence- belief that asking for help is too much and too burdensome and will cause rejection and rupture.
Mate notes that these traits are not inherently bad, but can be harmful if they are rigid and consuming. It’s important to compassionately understand that these are survival strategies that were once very effective and now no longer as effective.
The reason why these traits are often overlooked and not addressed is because these traits are seen as the embodiment of the “golden child” of our pan Asian family culture. Folks with these traits are highly praised and accepted, while folks that don’t embody these traits are rejected, punished and exiled.
It is important to note that no one wakes up trying to embody these traits. These traits are the result of deep systemic programming, cultural influences, childhood trauma, systemic inequities, racism, sexism, all the isms, and intergenerational burdens.
Because we are social creatures, we will always choose to connect with our social network, even if it means compromising our authenticity. That means that if we were born into a dysfunctional family system where we were expected to be a parent to our parents from a young age, we are going to do it, even if it comes at a cost to our health.
Also, it is important to note those further away from accessing rights and privileges of our society are also forced to mask and suppress more than those that embody white supremacy norms.
If you can relate to the qualities described above, here are some pathways of healing:
Notice your common behaviors related to the list above
Notice what feelings and sensations that are associated with it
Pick one behavior that shows up most commonly
Remember a time when that behavior showed up in your life through recalling a memory
Feel the feelings that are associated with that memory
Ask yourself, “what am I afraid would happen if I didn’t do this behavior”
Take note of that fear and identify a feel associated with it— this is the name of one of your most vulnerable parts (exiles)
Work with a professional to unburden or release that exile