Your Anger is Your Ally When Interacting With Your Tiger Mom
I grew up in an environment where my mother was often giving me unsolicited advice, placing demands on my time and energy, sharing criticisms about my wardrobe choices, food decisions, ways I spent my time, and anything else you could think of. It was quite rare that she would relate to me in a calm and easeful manner. I remember our limited interactions being very tense and often full of yelling and tense threats about “if I didn’t eat something or that I would have osteoporosis in the future” or “if I didn’t wear my coat that I would catch a cold.” (Ironically this is something I say to my kids).
Lately it’s morphed into other unsolicited advice and criticism about my parenting, about how my kids aren’t proficient enough in mandarin or some other worry-turned-criticism about my finances or physical well being.
When confronted, my mother is in disbelief that I am naming her behavior as remotely critical and on a good day, she says “I say all of this because I love you.”
Since then, I have stopped making attempts to have conversations around encouraging her to stop her behavior, but I’ve worked on healing parts of me that have been harmed and hurt by her unintentionally hurtful behaviors.
I really needed to learn more about my moms behavior as a part of my healing journey… and I wanted to share some of what I learned with yall- in hopes that yall can heal also.
Here are some things that I’ve learned:
My mothers judgmentalness, criticism and harsh expectations are a result of some unresolved pain from her childhood that she is not aware of, is not ready to deal with and is using me in order to project and deflect her pain. By criticizing me, it is protective for her because it helps her avoid the confronting her vulnerable feelings of unworthiness, inadequacies, shame and deep insecurities.
My mother probably had to meet harsh standards or expectations growing up herself and are trying to project her unmet needs for validation onto me. By giving me all the unsolicited advice, she is unconsciously hoping I can fulfill something that she was unable to fulfill for herself.
My mother’s critical tendencies might come from her inability to accept her own imperfections. Whenever I challenge her criticisms or draw boundaries, she might feel the vulnerability of feeling the feelings that come with confronting her own imperfections, which might be unbearable, which causes more of a snowball into more criticisms and projections.
After a lot of healing work, I have a deep appreciation and understanding for my mother’s judgmentalness, critical behavior and unsolicited advice giving. I understand that she is not aware of her unresolved traumas and unaware about how their actions cause so much pain.
My being triggered by my mothers critical and harsh behaviors is an opportunity to look within and tend to my hurt and angry feelings.
I’m trying really hard not to take anything personally with my mom (or anyone for that matter) and trying to draw boundaries about how often I talk to my mom and for how long.
I was confused, for a long time, about how come I was so so deeply enraged with my mom’s behaviors. Parts of me normalized it and parts of me that were angry were livid about the boundary violations, and other parts of me worked hard to suppress the anger boiling up.
My decades long suppressed anger towards my mom’s behaviors had no where to go except inside. My immune system was so used to her behavior that it didn’t recognize it as malignant anymore. So much so that I began to repeat the same behavior to others, losing dear friends in the process.
I am learning that beneath my anger was a hurt young child, that felt shamed and blamed, punished and scorned for being a kid. That is the part that I am working with to heal and re-parent. As I am working with that part, I am not triggered anymore with my mom’s behaviors because it is no longer triggering my deep vulnerable parts.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to look within and try to see what is underneath your anger. It might take working with a professional to do this work so don’t be afraid to reach out to anyone, really. Preferably someone who is adept at IFS work.
Take care!