Perfectionism, People Pleasing and Imposter Syndrome

Maybe you are:

The Compassionate Caretaker/Helper

You always put others needs before your own. Maybe you aren't even very aware of your needs until you are either in a lot of pain or totally burned out. You find it challenging to say no, use up your vacation or sick days and fear disappointing others around you. You struggle with setting boundaries. You are filled with self doubt and have a constant need for external validation that you "are enough". When people ask you for what you want, you don't often know and struggle with identifying and advocating for your own desires. In relationships, you often are the one giving more than you are getting and stay silent about the non-reciprocity. You have learned not to expect a lot from others. 

The Benevolent Overachiever

From a young age, you have been driven to outperform your peers, striving for top grades and chasing the validation that comes from having high accolades. Whenever you get a promotion, or compliment, you don't take it for face value. You dismiss it or feel awkward about it. You don't think you deserve recognition and believe that it might be taken away in the future. Conversely, you don't like professional feedback because you take it personallyYou have a superpower of being unnaturally persistent due to your deep seated desire to meet (and exceed) the expectations set by your family, culture and society. This pursuit of excellence often comes at a great cost-- your emotional and mental well being. The fear of failure and being mediocre scares you and keeps you up at night. The question underlying everything is "Am I good enough?"

The Visionary Community Organizer

You are dedicated to taking time outside of your 9-5 to mutual aid efforts, and activism. You often fill up your free time with volunteering on boards, or recruiting volunteers for the next event. You find yourself prioritizing other peoples needs at the cost of your own personal well being. You find it difficult to hold in tension the needs of the community with your own self-care. You feel guilty and selfish when considering prioritizing your own care. You feel "okay" when others are "okay." You don't feel entitled to rest knowing that others are suffering and unwell. You don't want to take up too much space with your needs because you fear that it might come at the cost of other people getting their needs met.  

The Selfless CEO

You are finding yourself in a position of influence and leadership. you are born from a cultural background that values the relentless pursuit of success, working harder than those around you and being others centered. You have "made it", but feel pressured to take on more responsibilities and continue to prove yourself. You feel emotionally drained and disconnected from your authentic self-- working hard in order to avoid feelings of emptiness. You are not used to people being vulnerable and therefore not willing to be vulnerable yourself. You keep your fears to yourself, especially your fear of being found out as someone who is an imposter. You think that you got your success from external factors rather than acknowleging your gifts and skills.

Are these common messages that you tell yourself?

"I must constantly prove myself to others and myself"

"I can't ask for help, I need to do it myself"

"My needs and desires are secondary to my family or my team"

"If I assert myself, others will think I'm selfish"

"I have to self sacrifice my well being in order for everyone else to be okay"

"I'd rather self sacrifice than allow others to suffer"

"Leadership always means putting others before myself"

"I can't let others see my vulnerabilities, I have to maintain a reputation of being the strong one, or the one that is put together"

"Taking a break or asking for help is not part of my M.O."
"My happiness or rest comes after meeting other peoples expectations"

"I have high/harsh expectations of myself, but not of others"

What is the root issue?

People pleasing, Perfectionism and Imposter Syndrome all come from having low self worth. These parts of us that display patterns of insecurity are rooted in systemic, institutional, historical and intergenerational forces that cause use to believe that we are never going to be "good enough." That we have to choose between meeting our own needs and being accepted. 

Common Symptoms of Low Self Worth

  • Harsh/critical Self Talk- Your inner voices are not very friendly and compassionate, but highly judgmental, critical and fill you with self doubt.

  • Comparison- Remember how your parents used to do this with your cousins that are the same age as you? Now, you find yourself measuring yourself against your colleagues, partner, siblings and friends... feeling inferior no matter how hard you've worked. 

  • Lack of Boundaries- You really struggle saying "no" or giving yourself space from people who are energy vampires. You allow others to take advantage of your time and labor, as if its an endless buffet table for others to draw from. You feel guilty and selfish saying no, especially because you've got economic privileges. 

  • Self Isolation- You don't go to social events like you used to because you are trying to avoid people making requests for help. You also may not believe that you are interesting or important to others. You enjoy being needed but at the same time are unfamiliar with being wanted.

  • Hyper Independence- You avoid asking for help like the plague. You'd rather suffer in the hardships of doing things on your own, than ask others to help. You don't want to feel like an inconvenience or burden on others. You don't trust that others will say "no" if they truly can't help.  

  • Constant guilt- You feel guilty about resting, pursuing your own happiness, not helping others, feeling pleasure when others are suffering, or building financial wealth. You have an abundance of unused vacation and sick days. 

  • Approval Seeking- You are relying on something or someone outside of you to give you the validation you need and crave. Whether it be your boss, partner or even children, you want them to be happy with you. Being happy with you means that they are not disappointed in you, which can feel like the worst feeling.

  • Rejection Sensitivity- You avoid taking risks or inviting others into your life events because of a deep fear of abandonment and rejection. 

Possible Causes of Low Self Worth


  • Maybe your parents/caregivers exposed you to judgmental, critical or dismissive remarks. Being in an environment where your emotions are being invalidated, unseen, or having chronic unmet needs can cause you to feel flawed or deficient.

  • A lot of us folx of the Global Majority were conditioned to believe that we are not measuring up to some kind of standard. This environment tells us that there is something inherently wrong with us if we are not skinny, pretty, smart or productive enough.

  • Tiger parenting culture relies on fear based control and manipulation shrouded in the illusion of parental love and financial security. But underneath, this culture says that you are the sum of your achievements and you are responsible for your own success because of your hard work. It has a one dimensional way of measuring success: educational and career excellence measured through good grades and eventually a high paying job with high job security and positive image.

  • You might have had a body memory of your family members always not feeling like there was ever enough time, energy, money or love to go around. They lived in manufactured urgency and was disconnected with themselves and others.

  • This is where you are your parent's parent. You were their coach, social worker, consultant and confidant. As a result, you didn't have anyone pour into your metaphorical cup. You didn't have anyone affirming or validating your skills or suffering. You were the caretaker.

  • Being in a body that is not white is inherently traumatizing. All the micro aggressions and bullying can leave us feeling so defective. In addition, implicit and explicit messages that we don't belong, we are viruses, and we don't conform to white standards of beauty can leave us feeling like shit.

  • Your caregivers might of not been able to spend time with you and probably left you alone to work things out on your own. Maybe they were emotionally or physically abusive. Either way, this can leave lasting emotional and physical imprints in our brain and behavior.

Therapy Can Help

  • Better self management skills- improved ease and ability to manage stress and overwhelm and make better decisions in the workplace. 

  • Empowered boundaries bring less exhaustion and resentment- your ability to identify your needs and desires, hold it in tension with the collective, prioritizing your own care without feelings of selfishness will help you let your "no-s" be NO and your "yeses" be YES. 

  • Enhanced Self Confidence- Confidence comes from self assurance and self trust. The feeling of "I got my back no matter what" will be at the forefront. 

  • Unapologetic Self Advocacy- You will feel grounded in your assertive communication, knowing that prioritizing and advocating for your needs is not inherently selfish. 

  • Clarity in decision making- Your inner conflict between your perfectionism and authentic desires will be resolved. 

  • Authentic leadership- Your colleagues will have a new found respect for you because you are leading from your Core Self/Higher Self.