What Do We Really Owe Our Immigrant Parents?

I’m here to say that whenever I read something about filial piety, I always roll my eyes and think… “my relationship with my parents is so progressive. They respect my life and I respect theirs. We are not close but have an amicable relationship. Filial piety is for old school people.”

My parents don’t ever expect me to pay them money, in fact they always fight to pay the bill at restaurants. They didn’t put much pressure on me to succeed and get straight A’s. But they did practice filial piety in other sneaky ways and I am going to break it down in this very blog post.

“Why is it important to talk about how filial piety showed up in our childhood? I’m an adult now… I am not dependent on my parents , in fact I have my own family to raise and I’m nothing like my parents.. “…. Is what you’re probably thinking.

Acknowledging and understanding how and why filial piety showed up in our childhoods is crucial because it allows us to understand how cultural dynamics, family values, expectations and norms impact our emotional patterns, behaviors, attachment styles, parenting dynamics as well as our relationship to work.

When we recognize family dysfunctions, we also become keen in recognizing shadow parts or behaviors that cause self sabotage in our professional, platonic and familial lives. This is crucial if we are trying to be intergenerational trauma cycle breakers.

First of all, what is filial piety?

Here are the key elements of filial piety (according to ChatGPT):

1) respect and reverence for parents

2) emotional, financial, physical care for parents

3) obedience and deference

4) preserving family honor

5) continuing family legacies and upholding family values

OK, you’re probably thinking “I do this stuff for my parents, and I am my own person with my own sense of self determination…. How could there be a problem?”

Sometimes you might not be aware that there might be a huge cost associated with being a “good child” and really leaning into your personal identity development, growing in leadership positions and becoming more professionally “successful” as well as trying to start your own family without re creating some harmful family dynamics. Sometimes being a “good kid” that practices filial piety might collide with cultivating your true authenticity and light. Here’s why:

1) filial piety pressures children to meet or exceed expectations, which can create a compulsive addiction to perfectionism for some people. Cycle breaking involves connecting with your Higher Self, which knows that deep connection and intimacy doesn’t mean that you have to overcompensate for anyone or anything.

2) filial piety discourages people to set boundaries (parents or children). Doing so might be seen as selfish or disrespectful. Setting boundaries for cycle breakers, might trigger guilty or shameful feelings. Cycle breaking involves soothing and reparenting younger parts of ourselves that feel triggered from boundary setting. Cycle breaking also involves connecting with your Higher Self, which knows that it is entirely possible to have deep reverence for parents while still maintaining emotional, physical, and financial well being for ourselves.

3) filial piety discourages taking care of yourself. People who grew up in immigrant households are the WORST with self maintenance and self care (myself included). We suck at asking for help, taking vacation, resting, going to the doctor, spending money on ourselves, taking the time to cook nutritional meals for ourselves. Cycle breaking involves connecting with the parts of us that were neglected and reparenting our most vulnerable parts. We can invite ourselves to unburden and release beliefs such as “your needs don’t matter” or “you come last.”

4) filial piety discourages people from having a supportive and flexible parenting environment. When you heal from filial piety, you realize all the subtle ways that you might be showing up as a tiger parent…. Even in the most well intentioned “gentle” ways. Cycle breaking involves acknowledging ways that you might be unknowingly projecting your fears and insecurities onto your children and creating an environment that allows your children to simply exist and experience unconditional warm regard.

5) filial piety discourages people from having work life balance. What do I mean by that? I mean that if you are unknowingly steeped into filial piety culture, you will have trouble balancing the needs of the collective with your own needs. Cycle breaking means that we work to heal the vulnerable parts associated with shame and guilt for asserting independence while trying to honor the family so that the Higher Self can balance cultural values and personal autonomy. Your higher self knows that the needs of the family can somehow co exist with personal needs.

If you are an adult child of immigrants and are wondering if this filial piety stuff applies to you, here’s how the non traditional version of filial piety applied to me. These are the subtle and covert ways that FP showed up in my life:

1) taking on higher degrees or high pressure jobs in order to “not make the parents be worried” or to “not be a burden onto the family”

2) avoiding hard conversations with parents in order to not be a burden or inconvenience

3) often or always saying “yes” to parents without pushing back or questioning their requests and my capacity

4) suppressing angry or resentful feelings towards parents requests

5) not challenging my parents opinions even if they conflict with my personal opinions

6) taking on the role of family mediator, coach, therapist

7) rescuing siblings/extended family from their debts or poor decisions because I didn’t want to “worry my parents”

8) parent proof my apartment before my parents arrived (put away all my self help books, pictures of people they might disapprove of, etc)

9) feeling responsible for making sure my parents weren’t emotionally suffering, which also meant frequent check ins.

You’re probably thinking… I can totally relate… now how can I be a cycle breaker in light of my family dysfunctions?

Here are some of the steps:

1) tune inside, not outside. Stop trying to change your parents. Work on your own healing. Take time to change your focus from outside to inside.

2) take a look at what you’re feeling. This might be hard for a lot of us who struggle to identify feelings. If you struggle to feel your feelings, I encourage you to watch more K dramas.

3) talk to your feelings. Ask them about how they help you. What they are most worried about

4) discover their vulnerabilities. Your feelings might be protecting a deeper vulnerability. Get to know that vulnerability and invite that part to release its burdens

5) get in touch with your higher self.

until next time… much love and peace.