Privacy Violations in Romantic Partnerships

Remember when your parents spoke unfavorably behind your back to other parents? Remember how you heard every word of it because it was said within earshot?

I did that to my child last week. I spoke about a quirk that my middle child had and my friend and I had a connective moment over it. We laughed and commiserated about how our children’s quirks are innocent and sometimes inconvenient to our family’s routines.

This “innocent” way that parents connect with each other (making fun of our children’s quirks) is common but can be hurtful. My middle child shared with me about how she overheard my conversation with my friend and didn’t appreciate how she was represented.

I shared with her about how I appreciated her feedback and apologized for my breaking her trust by talking behind her back without her permission.

A lot of us adult children of immigrants, especially eldest of immigrants, grew up with parents that violated our boundaries by sharing our private information to other people without our permission. Upon confrontation, our parents would respond reactively and defensively and maybe dismissed our need for consent.

This may unintentionally show up in our romantic relationships or partnerships and may cause rifts. Here are some examples:

• sharing intimate details- past traumas, private experiences

• disclosing financial matters- partners spending habits, etc

• sharing communication- forwarding private messages or emails without the partner’s knowledge

• sharing photos or videos without consent

• revealing sexual or romantic history

• sharing medial diagnosis

• discussing personal struggles

• sharing locations or whereabouts

• online sharing- sharing about partner on social media without consent

Here are some tips with how to manage these rifts:

• If you are the violator or violated, try to take a look inside and invite curiosity about what feelings are coming up. Be curious about your reactions. Track what happens inside of you (memories, sensations, feelings, thoughts)

  • Ask yourself- “what am I noticing in my body?”

  • ask yourself- “what is my impulse?”

  • ask yourself- “what do you hear yourself saying about you, your partner or this relationship?”

  • these reflective questions bring awareness to some internal feelings/parts/protectors that might be coming up that might appreciate some deep listening.

  • find a deep listening partner/coach/therapist to hold space for you without fixing or trying to solve your problems

  • ask these parts of you with big feelings to give you space so that you can regulate your nervous system and speak your truth without attacking.

• Try to work in community, with a coach or therapist, to hold space for you and your partner and all the feelings that might come up.

Good luck!

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