“My Immigrant Parents Did the Best They Could” and Other Myths

Most of us adult child of immigrants have been well cared for physically, with the best educational opportunities, along with some memorable family vacations, fun times with cousins, as well as weekends with grandparents. We might of looked like we were well loved and cared for on the outside, but in fact, there might have been:

·       Unexamined anxiety that was frequently dismissed with “don’t worry so much about that”

·       Low self esteem that was retorted with “don’t be shy, just talk to that new friend”

·       Depression that was met with “you have nothing to be sad about. We gave you everything you need to be happy. How could you possibly be sad?”

I remember, as a little girl, maybe 5 years old, struggling with selective mutism. My parents called me extremely shy and made fun of my shyness with other family members, resulting in a lot of shame about my quietness.

Now I know that my selective mutism was not merely because of my shy personality, but as a result of:

·      High expectations and pressure- my parents strongly emphasized being outgoing and connective with relatives

·      Cultural and linguistic stress- as an immigrant child, I was exposed to Vietnamese, Fujian dialect, Cantonese, and Mandarin before the age of 5, so I often felt uncertain about my language skills and responded by withdraw and freezing rather than taking a risk and making a mistake.

·      Social anxiety- raising a household that stigmatizes shyness often made me hyperaware of my social performance.

·      Attachment wounds- since I didn’t feel emotionally safe at home, I generalized this fear to other settings, which led to my mutism.

If you know me now, I am very chatty and enjoy talking to strangers. Upon my visits back to the east coast to see my relatives, my extended family will say to me, “your parents tried their best”.

I know my parents tried their best, but the reality is that they refused to spend time in self reflection.

When people tell me that my parents did the best that they could, this reflects a lack of understanding about healthy families and child development. It shows a collusion with harmful status quo regarding trauma and neglect, which sometimes results in normalizing damaging things that happen to children that they often carry as burdens into their adulthoods.

“Your parents tried their best” is a phrase that can sometimes gaslight adult children of immigrants to giving their emotional neglectful parents an excuse to continue to continue harmful patterns and pass on burdens to their children.

If immigrant parents did their best, their children would experience-

·       A parent who is aware of their behaviors and acknowledges and takes responsibility for how their behavior may negatively impact others.

·       A parent who could apologize and change their behaviors that they are taking responsibility for

·       A parent who practices curiosity for the way their behaviors may be impacting their child

·       A parent who is aware of their energetic limits and fears and solicits help from other adults (not their own children) in helping them overcome their fears

·       A parent who has friends to lean on and confide in so that they don’t confide in their children for their marriage issues

·       A parent who recognizes their potential for emotional neglect and tries to reads books or get help with how to show up for their children’s needs better

·       A parent who is self reflective and is thinking ahead and anticipating difficulties and gets support to mitigate future crises

·       A parent who can emotionally regulate before yelling, spanking, screaming, or saying condescending remarks

·       A parent who doesn’t use busy-ness as a way to cope

·       A parent who can play with their child, even as they grow older

·       A parent who can step outside their perspective of what is enjoyable to them and actually practice and engage in what is enjoyable for their children

·       A parent who can recognize and get support around their co-dependency so that they can protect their children from perpetrators both inside and outside the family.

·       A parent that can truly accept and welcome all feelings and have a high tolerance for uncomfortable feelings and conversations

The big qualities that tie all of these characteristics together are:

·      Self reflection- understanding one’s own triggers and patterns. Asking yourself “why did I react that way?” or “what does my child need from me in this moment?”

·      Accountability- Repairing ruptures and building trust. Instead of ignoring a child’s hurt feelings, a parent might say “I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier. I was frustrated and ill try to handle my frustration better.” This helps children trust that relationships can withstand conflict.

If you were raised in an avoidant family like mine, where there wasn’t a lot of self reflection and accountability, the good news is that you can cultivate these skills for your future/current friendships and family relationships. It’s not too late. If you would like to know how to do this, stay tuned or schedule a free coaching consult with me to see if we are a good fit. Here is the link: https://calendly.com/hello-6496/discovery-call-coaching

Grateful for you,

Angela Tam