How To Say “I’m Sorry” When Your Immigrant Parents Never Taught You

Growing up, I don't ever recall my parents apologizing after there was a conflict. I can confidently say that I've learned about how to repair conflict as an adult and I can't say that I do it well either... even as a therapist. But I am trying and dedicated to always having a student's heart to keep being humble and to learn about how I might of crossed my kids, family, friends or partner.

Even with some of the practice that I've had over the years, I would still say that repairing after conflict is still one of the hardest parts of building and maintaining a secure attachment. However, when it does happen, I definitely feel closer to the other person and learn that I am still lovable even if I have made a grievous mistake or have hurt others.

Conflicts, disagreements, disconnect, projections of your feelings onto others, misreading other people's intentions, believing the worse in people, blaming, shaming, being emotionally unavailable, growing apart are all examples of ruptures. Ruptures are anything that breaks trust between people. Most of the time, ruptures are not even intentional, but are still necessary to fix or repair. The overarching thing that ties all these things together under the umbrella of "ruptures" is that it is a disruption in connection and intimacy between people.

Ruptures in relationships are absolutely normal and a sign of healthy presence

I grew up with the notion that ruptures are not a good sign. I used to believe that if you have ruptures, that means that you are in a "bad relationship" and need to leave as soon as possible. After leaving my home and going to college, I entered into relationship with friends that taught me otherwise. They taught me that having conflict was normal and a sign that people are engaging with each other, showing up for one another and being more emotionally available for each other.

That blew my mind!

Side note: ruptures look different in abusive relationships where there can be a disparity in power and individuals/groups abusing their power and lording it over other individuals. ruptures in abusive relationships where there is a power difference requires more support, more community, more accountability. This is something where we can't cover here, but may cover in future content.

Repair is a process and not a one time act.

Repair is not simply an apology. It isn't a one time conversation and then people "move on". It can start with a conversation and can evolve into collaborating with the wounded person to create a new "normal" in your relationship.

Here are some of the key steps in how the initial conversation may look like:

1) acknowledging the impact of harmful actions from the wounder to the wounded.

2) naming what has happened (this includes naming the subjective feelings and thoughts of the wounder without shame or self blame or loathing. This also can include naming how some feelings and thoughts could of been misguided and how the misguided feelings/thoughts might have impacted the hurtful situation)

3) owning our role in what happened- taking responsibility with how some parts of us contributed to the harm and hurt; naming some patterns or behaviors that we might have exhibited, naming some impulses (fight, flight, fawn, freeze) that might have contributed to the event

4) practicing curiosity about how the wounded person experienced the event- this includes deep and open listening to how the other person perceived the hurtful event

5) considering together about how each individual might have contributed to the rupture- talking, without blaming or shaming, about how individuals can take responsibility, even the wounded person.

6) exploring a new normal- being creative in imagining how people affected by the harm can choose to engage with the wounder in the future. Maybe exploring ways that the wounder and wounded can establish new boundaries or make requests. This is also an opportunity for the wounded and wounder to explore individually about what childhood wounds were triggered as a result of this rupture.