Parent Pleasers Grow Into People Pleasers
If you are like me, I found out that I am a people pleaser in my adulthood. I thought I wasn't, but here I am.
I really didn't know that people pleasers are not born this way, but they are nurtured and conditioned. By whom and by what? Mostly through oppressive systems that seek to dominate our caregivers, who then project their authoritarian tendencies onto their parenting.
Here are questions that I've been asked around this topic:
1) how do parents unintentionally produce children who are people pleasing?
Children are experts on getting their own needs met and will do almost anything to stay connected to their parents. Here are some of the top traits that parents exhibit that might produce people pleasing children:
1) conditional love and approval- children who grow up in this type of environment only receive praise and affection when they do something that the parents like, such as get good grades or being well behaved. This creates a tendency within children to try to get more positive reinforcement through repeating "good behavior".
2) emotional withholding- parents may withhold affection when the child is doing something that does not meet expectations.
3) harshness or criticism- children who are often criticized produce harsh inner critics. Inner critics are voices inside of you that shame you, make you feel bad or guilty for doing human things, like failing or messing up.
4) having unrealistic expectations- parents often set high and unrealistic expectations for kids, assuming they can do what adults can do (sit down, focus, pay attention, share, etc). As a result, kids learn to suppress their own needs in order to strive for the approval of their elders
5) being a "needy" parent- parents who look to their children as their emotional support coach or co parent.
6) parents who threaten to abandon their kids if they misbehave or disagree. So many asian parents do this!! they will say "if you don't do this, I will leave you." as a kid, this is one of the hardest things to hear. Of course any child will comply out of fear, not out of love and security.
7) parental disengagement- if parents are emotionally distant or neglectful (never talked about feelings or asked about a child's inner world), this creates a pursuer mentality in the child, where the child will try to pursue the parent's affection and love in order to try to win the parent over.
8) family culture of duty over desire aka filial piety- if you grew up in an environment where people said that you should do something because "family first" or because "I said so"
9) suppression of difficult feelings- if you expressed your sadness, frustration or impatience, you were immediately shut down or disputed. This puts kids in a pattern to learn that it isn't safe to go to anyone for support to share more about their different feelings. this is how conflict avoidant patterns first take place-- this tendency ensures that everyone else is happy at the expense of your own needs
2) How do these traits work together to create people pleasing people?
When we grow up in a harsh environment and with parents with the above traits, it prioritizes certain patterns (internal managers who push you to be a perfectionist, conflict avoidant, caretaker and harmonizer) while suppressing certain traits such as the trait of vulnerability, internal connectedness or even happiness.
Can you identify with any of these childhood patterns? Did you grow up with emotionally immature parents who accidentally nurtured you to be a people pleaser?
I know I did.
I am proud to say that I am a recovering people pleaser. I am trying to find my way with being my own person and it has been difficult, but so rewarding. More about my story next time.
In community,
Angela Tam