Coping with Complex Trauma: Tips for Eldest Children in Asian Immigrant Families

What is complex trauma?

Complex trauma refers to the experience of chronic distress that one experiences over time, oftentimes between caregiver and child. Complex trauma refers to events that are not noteworthy and big, but small and persistent. There is a difference between upper case “T” Trauma, which are singular events that are very memorable and chaotic, such as a death in the family, car accidents, natural disasters that are fall under the PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) category. And lower case “t” trauma, which is the less documented, but still stressful incidences of trauma where people are arguably more impacted and exposed, under high levels, over a long period of time to a many stressors.

PTSD (Singular upper case “T” Trauma) examples:

  • death or loss of loved one

  • serious accidents

  • natural disasters

  • combat and war

  • terrorist attacks

  • interpersonal violance

  • medical trauma

  • physical/sexual assault

Complex trauma (lower case “t” trauma) examples in Asian Immigrant families:

  • watching your parents fight

  • never having your parents apologize for hurting your feelings

  • having to feed, clothe, change your siblings diapers

  • manage your siblings fights

  • show up as translator or administrative assistant for your family from a young age

  • watching your parents fight with each other

  • being emotionally neglected by your family

  • having your parents be overly controlling and micromanaging your decisions

  • being infantilized by your parents

  • not knowing if your caregivers are going to reliably show up to cook and clean and provide transportation for you

  • watching you and your family experience racism

  • watching your parents being infantilized by white folks

  • experiencing financial unpredictability

  • having uncertainty around immigration status for long/short periods of time

  • being undocumented

  • being a latch key kid (TV is your babysitter)

  • having a lot of different caregivers/nannies/grandparents babysit you without any consistency

  • being “tiger" parented by parents who put a lot of academic pressure and emphasis on external achievements

  • having a parent that only cared about how you looked, but not how you felt

  • witnessing one parent coerce, control and manipulate another parent

  • having to accommodate and yield to your younger/older brother, while carrying the majority of the household management responsibilities

Ok, no big deal. We might have experienced one or more of these things as an immigrant kid. But we are “resilient” and we’ve survived. So how does complex trauma show up in the everyday work situation or personal relationships?

How complex trauma may show up in the professional work life:

  • difficulty trusting colleagues

  • hyper vigilance in the workplace

  • avoidance of authority figures

  • overachievement and perfectionism

  • chronic cycles of burnout

  • difficulty with receiving feedback and criticism

  • imposter syndrome

  • issues with setting boundaries

  • self sabotage

  • workaholism

  • difficulty with power dynamics

How complex trauma might show up in your intimate friendships and romantic relationships:

  • struggle between clinginess and avoidance

  • fears of abandonment

  • seek out harmful relationships with avoidant or manipulative people

  • intense mood swings

  • fear of opening up and sharing more authentically

  • co dependency

  • putting people on pedestals and then tearing them down when they hurt you

  • sexual intimacy problems

  • struggles with trusting others— fear of judgment

  • too open and permissive with boundaries or too rigid and walled up

  • social withdrawal and isolation

  • people pleasing tendencies

  • difficulty with maintaining close friendships

  • suppression of emotions

  • difficulty in receiving pleasure

If you are noticing that you may identify with some or all of the above, no need to fear or worry. Simply growing in awareness is an important first step to healing and growth. Looking inside and getting more familiar with your inner world is going to be one of your biggest tasks ahead.

I invite you to spend some time looking within and noticing how you might have some feelings or thoughts that might be coming up in response to this new awareness around having complex trauma. A lot of folx that i’ve worked with that have experienced complex trauma are highly functioning overachievers that would say that they’ve had an “ideal” childhood despite the challenges mentioned above.

It can be very shocking to people to notice that they might have experienced complex trauma. Personally, I didn’t know that I had complex trauma until I was practicing as a mental health therapist for many many years. I know I was in denial or avoiding the truth for a while and didn’t have capacity to deal or work with my complex trauma until more recently.

What are some tips to cope with complex trauma for eldest of immigrants?

  • get to know your inner landscape of feelings, thoughts, desires and fears

  • notice how some of these feelings might be associated with your inner children. Our inner children are subpersonalities that have their own behavior, beliefs and patterns. They can drive us to make decisions or put the brakes on our goals.

  • practice self love through getting in touch with your higher self aka your core self or your true self. Notice if there is a nurturing or compassionate voice that is kind and gentle towards yourself.

  • find a coach or therapist that has a lived experience working with complex trauma.

  • find a community of fellow friends that are also working through complex trauma as asian eldest children.

if this was helpful, please leave a comment below.

Keywords: Complex trauma, Asian immigrant families, mental health, immigrant experience, cultural identity, intergenerational trauma, family dynamics, trauma recovery, coping strategies, cultural expectations, filial piety, acculturation stress, multicultural counseling, cultural competence, resilience, interpersonal relationships, cultural adaptation, stigma reduction, psychotherapy, self-care practices, seattle asian therapist, complex trauma therapist, immigrant kid trauma, executive coach for women Angela Tam.

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